Urgent News: Up to 50% of Koala Bears Have Chlamydia

That's right. The little adorable creatures are slutting it up and getting and spreading chlamydia at rates likely exceeding those of the most lascivious senior homes. Almost 50% of koalas in the wild have the disease.

This article in Businessweek (because let's face it, nymphomaniacal koalas with chlamydia are serious business), details the hows and whys of the disease ravaging the wild koala population.

Here's a neat little comic by Victims of Circumsolar that initially pointed my attention to this sad news.

Encounters of the Ursidae Kind. Episode #1. The Climbing Bears and Barking Humans Edition

This week we have a spicy story from a friend of the blog, Martina, who relays her story of a bear encounter in the Smokies.

Everything Bear: Hi Martina. Thank you for taking the time to chat with Everything Bear today. Can you tell us about your experience of encountering a bear?
Martina: Sure. It was the first day of my very first backpacking adventure in ht Smokey mountains. We were walking for good 6 miles before we came up to our camp spot for the night. Thirty minutes after meeting everyone that was staying there with us we started looking for the perfect spot to put our tent on. We were on a hill with lots of big rocks.

Around what time was it?
It was around 7 pm sunset.
As we proceeded to set up our tent, my boyfriend looked back and told me to run slowly because there was a big mama bear right behind me, about 15 feet away looking straight at us.

Did he tell you to run slowly so that if the bear followed he would eat you instead of him? Tina Yes haha

Makes sense. Ok please continue.
No, [it was] so that we don't make it seem too suspicious or make the bear feel like she is in danger. Anywho, little did we know there were 2 other little cubs right on the tree that she was standing by and looking up. The situation got a bit frightening but yet fun at the same time

So you managed to get to a safe distance from the bear?
We realized that she was just guarding and making sure no one would go near her babies yes, we ran about 30 feet away and watched them with everyone at the camp
For some reason the people there thought barking noises would make the bears run away but they were wrong and sounded like idiots barking up a storm and disturbing my peace in the wilderness.

That does sound very unpleasant. 
How big was the mama bear? Did she make any noises, like snorting?
The mama bear was fairly large, I'd say about my size. Around 5 feet and surprisingly slim.
That doesn't sound very large.
For me it was, but she was making some strange noises, like she was angry that we were there.

I guess you mean in height, not in length... Like if it stood on its hind legs or something it would probably be bigger. 
Yes, of course.

That sounds scary... Did you consider walking over and giving her a hug to make her more comfortable?
No, but did want to take one of the chubby bears home with me. Her little babies were climbing every tree that was around us for about 2 hours straight.

That sounds adorable. She had two... I don't see why she would have had a problem with you taking one. So you guys just waited for them to leave, and for the barking to subside.  
We didn't set up our tent until after 9.

Do you have any pictures of this lovely bear family?
Yes, we watched and waited. we knew at that point they harmless and just playing around while mama bear was guarding. I do not, I believe my bf has a video and some photos too.

What would you say to all the folks out there who may encounter bears in the wild? Any advice? 
I would say, bears aren't as scary as everyone seems to make them sound. If you stay away they will leave. Also, barking like a dog will not make them go away, so please do us a favor and quit disturbing the peace in the wilderness.

I will be sure to spread that message. Thank you for your great story, Martina!

Note: The bear pictured is not a bear mentioned in this story. Though it is a safe bet to say that it is a very distant relative of that very same bear. Photo also by Martina form a different bear encounter.

Bear of the Week #2: The Shih Tzu teddy bear.

Fuck it. Today, we awwwwwww.

One subject that we will discuss frequently on this blog is Winnie-the-Pooh. For instance, did you know that the name "Winnie" came from "Winnipeg", as in, the city in Canada? For now, though, let's focus on this short book I just read, called "The Tao of Pooh".

If you are like most people, you find reading books about philosophy, or general philosophizing for its own sake, insufferable. If at the same time you also enjoy experiencing mild enlightenment combined with nostalgia, "The Tao of Pooh" might be for you. The book aims to explain the core principles of Taoism through the character of Pooh. And overall, the author does a good job of doing just that in a fairly entertaining way.

Some positives of the book:

Hoff convincingly describes Western philosophy and dry academic writing as disciplines of exclusion. Works created seemingly for the purpose of using contrived and intelligent sounding language to elevate their authors and readers above the rabble. I felt this way when attempting to read many-a-work by Slavoj Zizek, Hegel, Kant, and others. I would repeatedly catch myself thinking "Am I dumb or is this guy just a pretentious asshole?"

In my experience, this fundamental confusion is rarely a problem when reading Eastern philosophy or books, such as the Tao of Pooh, that attempt to explain it. The meaning of the words themselves is seldom if ever obscured. What is not particularly clear is the meaning behind the words. I understand the quotes and the parables, but when it comes to applying those words and parables to real life, things get murky. For instance, Hoff challenges his readers to find the Enchanted Forest, which is a metaphor for a "happy place". He says 

"Just take the path to Nothing, and go No- where until you reach it. Because the Enchanted Place is right where you are, and if you're Friendly With Bears, you can find it"

Take the path to nothing and go nowhere, got it. Oh and be friendly with bears. That part I can do.

You know, I've met many people in my life who are taking the path to nothing and are going nowhere, and they are not a happy bunch. My big fear is that indeed I am on a path to nothing and going nowhere, so is the philosophy just being content with that fact? Other than at-times cryptic passages using over-simplified examples to describe obviously complicated concepts, and unnecessary and oddly-timed jabs at joggers and scientists, I thought this book was an enjoyable and very undemanding read. Certainly the most chill philosophy book you will read. You can knock it out in a couple of hours easily. Brew yourself some tea, let some light into your room, and enjoy learning about Tao through one of the most famous bears in the world, Winnie the Pooh.

Book can be found for free online here:

http://www.yourskypeschool.com/book_yss_eng/the-tao-of-pooh-by-benjamin-hoff.pdf

Most of you are well aware that New Jersey is a hardcore place that rarely, if ever, fucks around. New Jersey also has a massive black bear population. This means that the fine people of the Garden State must work hard to build an amicable relationship with bears, first and foremost by not feeding them, forcing the beasts to fend for themselves in the mean forests of Jersey like nature intended.

Most of you, however, are not aware that Jersey is simultaneously the most densely populated state in the union, and has over 45% forest cover. This means that humans and bears often cross paths in this mysterious place.

But even when we do everything right... We don't feed the bears, we keep a safe distance, we lock up the trash, the bears will still do bear things. As a matter of fact, that's what makes us love them. The fact that they do bear things. And sometimes, like in the state of New Jersey, they will do bear things right in our front yard. I'm talking of course about a BOMBASTIC FUCKING BEAR FIGHT.

Bears with Beaks

Some people like to photoshop beaks on top of bears. I don't judge those people. I just want to relay that this is a thing that happens.

Bear of the Week #1

Today's bear of the week is Obedient Bear.

As we all know, bears can, and in the right conditions will, tear us apart and fill their adorable bear bellies with our various fleshy and bony parts.We know this fact, yet we continue to hang out with them because let's face it, for many of us bear enthusiasts it's so worth it.

From the video it is not clear whether the man invited this bear for tea and honey and later changed his mind, or if the man was minding his own business hanging out in his yard (ok it's probably the latter), but what is clear is that this man knows that 99% of the time, a bear will back off after a stern talking-to. If you see a bear loitering near your property, after you are done admiring his or her handsome fur and magnificent empty eyes, tell it to go on and get out of there.

Or give it a hug... I will totally understand if you choose to do that as well.